Random joke from this category
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment:
- The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.
- Well, sir - the attendant replied with a grin.
- You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now..
"Only in America"...
- can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance
- are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink
- do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke
- do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters
- do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage
- do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place
- do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight
- do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him:
- Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!
- Hell - said Herman.
- It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!
Some Warning Signs of Insanity
- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
- You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
- You collect dead windowsill flies.
- Every time the phone rings, you shout:
- Hey! An angel just got its wings!
- You like cats. Especially with mayo.
- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
- You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
- You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
- Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
- Melba toast sexually excites you.
- When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
- You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
- You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
- Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
- Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
- You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
- You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
- You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
- People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
Snappy answers to sappy questions:
All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less!
Dear Abby, What can I do about my little brother? He's such a pest!
→ Have you tried a flyswatter?
Dear Abby, My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do?
→ Shut up and get back to work!
Dear Abby, My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this?
→ Get a new dad.
Dear Abby, Why are you so lazy?
→ Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.
Dear Abby, Help! I need to lose weight! How can I stop eating all the fattening foods I love?
→ Send them to me and I'll eat them for you.
Some of life's truisms...
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
- So laugh, sir.
A man is walking along the road, when he hears someone shouting "Twelve! Twelve!" over a fence.
As he walks closer to the fence, they start shouting:
- Thirteen! Thirteen!
Curious, the man looks through a gap in the fence. Suddenly he's poked in the eye by a man on the other side, and as he lies there, clutching his head, the man hears:
- Fourteen! Fourteen!
- Waiter, look at this chicken! It's nothing but skin and bones.
- Would you like the feathers, too?
