Situations — most viewed jokes

What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
→ He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says:

- Vietnam, 1969.

The other points his thumb behind him and says:

- Dog crap, 20 feet back.

There was a man at a gas station, pumping gas into his truck. While pumping he got gas on his arm. He wiped some of it off, then forgot about it. He paid for his gas and got in the truck.

As he was driving down the road, he lit up a cigarette, and the gas on his arm caught on fire. He rolled down the window and was waving his arm about, when he was pulled over by the cops.

The officer charged him for improper use of firearms.

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say:

- I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?

• Who was the first person to say:

- See that chicken there.... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt.

• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
• If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
• What do you call male ballerinas?
• Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
• Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:

- He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab:

- Sorry I took so long - he says:

- Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

- Waiter, there's a button in my salad.

- It must have come off while the salad was dressing.

Does killing time damage eternity?

If you are standing in the main street of Amsterdam, and can't see the clock tower of the Central Railway Station, that means it is raining. If you can see the clock tower, that means it is about to rain.