Situations — most viewed jokes

How do warty witches keep their hair out of place?
→ With scare spray.

Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of her long black hair?
→ She always wore long gloves to cover it up.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks:

- What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?

The young man replies:

- A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.

- That's a lot of money - says the old man, shocked.

- Why does it cost so much?

- Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour! - states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks:

- Can I take a look inside?

- Sure - replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says:

- That's a pretty nice car, all right!

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

- What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4? - the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

- Couldn't be - thinks the guy.

- How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says:

- You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man groans and replies:

- Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!

- It looks like rain today.

- Yes it does, but it smells like soup.

A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?
→ It was a bright, sunny day.

A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a "Beep.. Beep.. Beep" and ask his dad where the sound was coming from.

His dad replied that the sound was comming from a near by dump truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way.

When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large lady.

All of a sudden another man's beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes said:

- Look out dad she's backing up!

- Could I have a glass of water?

- To drink?

- No, I want to rinse out a few things.

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:

- You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees.

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says:

- You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:

- Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says:

- You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
14. I will allow my master on the couch.
15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.
20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."
21. I will not cut my master's nails.
22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.
26. I will not bring home any more cats.
27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.
34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.
36. Dog bladders are not large.
37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
38. I will not run out of treats.
39. I will ,make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents, for my master.
40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.
45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.
46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.
47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.
49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA, she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".
54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".

Signs you hired the wrong kid to mow your lawn:

- He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.

- On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.

- Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.

- Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.

- You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.

- He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.

- Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.

- Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.

- Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.

- No toes.