Situations — most viewed jokes

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man:

- That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!

The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled:

- Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!

You might be a redneck if. . .

- You think harass is two words.

- You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.

- Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.

- Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

- You have more dogs than the local shelter.

- You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.

- Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
→ When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead!"

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
→ It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Why did God invent armadillos?
→ So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell!

Definition of an Arkansas Virgin: A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

- May I please have a glass of water?

- Why, are you thirsty?

- No, I want to see if my neck leaks.

Why did the witch lose her way?
→ Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

There were three guys stuck on an island. On of them found a lamp and rubbed it. Out came a genie. He said for freeing me I'll grant you each a wish. The first guy said I wish I were 25% smarter. So poof! He was 25% smater built a raft and got off the island.

The nex guy said I wish I were 50% smarter. So poof! He was 50% smater built a canoe and got off the island.

The last guy said I wish I were 100% smarter. So poof! He was 100% turned into a girl and walked across the bridge!!

When the picture of the vampire's grandmother crashed to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean?
→ That the nail had come out of the wall.

How to catch a polar bear:

Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond. Cut a large hole in the ice. Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file. Hide behind a nearby rock. When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!

- Why doesn't your menu list prices?

- We didn't want to make you sick before the food does.

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.