Situations — most viewed jokes

'Five dollars for one question!' said the girl to the fortune-teller. 'That's very expensive, isn't it?'

'Next!'

Hey bob,

- Will you rember me tomorrow??

- Yes

- Will you rember me next week??

- Yes

- Will you rember me next month??

- Yes

- Will yoiu rember me next year??

- Yeah

- Knock Knock

- Whos There??

- See, you forgot me already!!!!!!

• It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.
• A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
• Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.
• One-armed piano players must perform for free.
• Any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building.
• The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.
• The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.
• Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.
• Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

A friend meets up with her friend as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.

Her friend asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"

The blonde replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

- Ned: Boy! Was I ever in hot water last night!

- Ed: You were? What did you do?

- Ned: I took a bath!

Pick the day you were born on to see what kind of fart you are.

1. AMBITIOUS - Always ready for a fart.
2. LAZY - Just fizzles
3. AMIABLE - Likes to smell others farts
4. SELFISH - Only enjoys smelling own farts
5. CARELESS - Farts in church
6. SMART ALEC - Farts when ladies are present.
7. CLEVER - Farts and coughs at same time
8. SCIENTIFIC - Bottles own farts
9. STINGY - Belches instead of farting to save asshole
10. FOOLISH - Farts and laughs.
11. SHY - Blushes even when farts silently.
12. CONCEITED - Thinks they can fart loudest.
13. UNLUCKY - Tries to fart and shits pants.
14. TIMID - Jumps when farting.
15. BEWILDERED - can't tell own farts from others.
16. SLOVENLY - Farts and fizzles, rots pants.
17. NERVOUS - Stops in middle of fart.
18. MISERABLE - Can't fart
19. CONFUSED - Face looks so much like ass, Farts don't know where to go.
20. GROUCH - Grumbles when ladies fart.
21. SNEAKY - Farts and blames it on the dog.
22. DISAPPOINTED - Their farts don't stink.
23. FRESH GUY - Jumps in front of you and farts.
24. BIG BULLY - Farts louder than everyone else.
25. DELUDED - Enjoys all farts thinking they are their own.
26. CUTE - Discovers from farts what others have eaten.
27. WISE - Farts and say's "Who in hell shit ??"
28. DAMNED MEAN - Farts in bed and pulls covers over wife's head.
29. MUSICAL - Tenor or bass
    Clear as a bell
    Smells like shit
    Sounds like hell.
30. HONEST - Farts and blames in on the hostess.
31. LIVELY - Jumps in air, farts three times, kicks like hell simultaneously.

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered.

A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

"How come you're only watering half your lawn?" a perplexed tourist asked a Richmond resident.
"I just heard there was a fifty percent chance of rain."