Situations — most viewed jokes

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.

- Sharon: I'm so homesick.

- Sheila: But this is your home!

- Sharon: I know and I'm sick of it.

I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It's even called "Gravol for Children". It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following:

Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness. Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate]

I had to take it back - my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6-year-old daughter couldn't take them!

TEST:

DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you'll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened.

1. pick a number from 1-9
2. subtract 5
3. multiply by 3
4. square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root) and if it's negative make it positive.
5. add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6+4= 10= 1+0=1)
6. if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
7. multiply by 2
8. subtract 6
9. map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc...
10. pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
11. take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter
12. think of the color of that mammal

DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE

Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry....................

You have a grey elephant from Denmark!

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

• "Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
• "I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"
• "Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat"
• "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"
• "Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"
• "Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control"
• "If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
• "If You Can Read This...
  Kiss A Teecher"
• "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
• "If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"
• "Procrastinate Now"
• "Rehab Is for Quitters"
• (Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man"
• "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... .... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"
• "The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"

Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow.
When I woke up my pillow was gone!

Did you hear about the witch who was so ugly that when a tear rolls down her cheek it takes one look at her face and rolls straight up again?

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read "CLEARANCE 11'3."

They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4."

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"