Situations — most viewed jokes

How do you get a ghost to lie perfectly flat?
→ You use a spirit level.

A butler came running into his important master's office.

"Sir, sir, there's a ghost in the corridor. What shall I do with him?"

Without looking up from his work the master said, "Tell him I can't see him."

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

So I said "Hey man, that's my beer."

Then he says, "No man, that's my beer." Then the beers say, "No man, we're our own beers." That's when we realized we had too many beers.

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.

"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"

"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."

One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm looking for my dollar bill,' Max replied. 'I lost it down the road.'

'Why don't you look for it there?'

'Because the light's better here!'

What happened when a ghost asked for a brandy at his local pub?
→ The landlord said "Sorry, we don't serve spirits."

- Policeman: Why didn't you check your speedometer?

- Driver: It broke when I hit 100.

I got an anonymous letter today.
Oh, really - who was it from?!

Mayne and Willard, two idiots, were in a rowboat on a lake fishing.
Suddenly the spray from a motorboat racing by flooded their boat.
"How we gonna get the water out?" asked Mayne. "Easy," said Willard. "We just bore a hole in the bottom of the boat and let the water drain out." The men drilled a hole in the bottom, and more water started rushing in. "Wait a minute!" exclaimed Mayne. "We need another hole so's the water comin' in through the first one has a place to go back into the lake!"