Situations — most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the ghost who enjoyed doing housework?
→ He used to go round with the oooo-ver.

A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered two slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts.
'Would you like a cherry on the top?' asked the waitress.
'No, thanks,' said the girl, 'I'm on a diet!'

Auntie Gladys bought herself a new rear-engine continental car. She took an old friend for a spin, but after only half a mile, the car broke down. Both women got out and opened up the front of the car. 'Oh, Gladys,' said her friend, 'you've lost your engine!'

'Never mind dear,' said auntie. 'I've got a spare one in the trunk.'

1. Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.
2. Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
3. Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.
4. Act like a hillbilly. Period.
5. Improvise Italian operas.
6. Gossip about someone to their face.
7. Answer every question with a question.
8. Repeat yourself constantly.
9. Act like a member of the opposite sex.
10. Repeat yourself constantly.
11. Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.
12. Repeat yourself constantly.
13. Change what you repeat every now and then.
14. Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.
15. Change what you repeat every now and then.
16. Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.
17. Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.
18. Change what you repeat every now and then.
19. One word: Caffeine.
20. Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.
21. stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying.
22. Using non-existent words like George Bush would.
23. Change what you repeat again.
24. Speak in rapid Spanish.
25. Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space.
26. When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.
27. Change what you repeat again.
28. You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.
29. Rudely correct everybody's grammar.
30. Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them.
31. Pretend to be drunk.
32. Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.
33. Change what you repeat again.
34. Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else.
35. Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.
36. Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.
37. Change what you repeat again.
38. For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.
39. Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.
40. Pretend to be high.
41. Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
42. Change what you repeat again.
43. You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.
44. Speak in Gaelic.
45. Blink rapidly and constantly.
46. Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.
47. Strut.
48. Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
49. Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
50. Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."
51. Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.

- Party Host: Hello?

- Phone Caller: I'm trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima. Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her?

- Party Host: I'd be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?

What's te definition of a bachelor pad?
→ All the house plants are dead, but there's something growing in the refrigerator.

Next time you're invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can't attend:

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

• I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
• I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
• I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
• I have to fluff my shower cap.
• I have to fulfill my potential.
• I left my body in my other clothes.
• I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
• I'll be looking for a parking space.
• I'm being deported.
• I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
• I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
• I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
• I'm sandblasting my oven.
• I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.
• I'm worried about my vertical hold.
• I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
• I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.
• it's too close to the turn of the century.
• my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
• my plot to take over the world is thickening.
• my subconscious says no.
• none of my socks match.
• the grunion are running.
• the last time I went, I never came back.
• the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.

1. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2. Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3. All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4. Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.
5. Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.
6. When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7. 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
8. During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
9. Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.
10. The entire British population lives in London.
11. It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.
12. In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
13. When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"