Random joke from this category
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile:
- I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note:
- I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.
I woke up, went for a walk, my head fell off and rolled away. I picked it up and put it on. A child walked up to me and said:
- Good grief, where are your feet?
I must have left them in bed!
And now, some excuses:
- I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.
- The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.
- I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one.
- The car ran out of gas.
- Well, you never told me I couldn't do that.
- He started it.
- I have jet lag.
- I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.
- I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.
- I missed the bus.
- The alarm didn't go off.
- I couldn't find a parking space.
- The Devil made me do it.
- Drugs made me do it.
- Everybody else does it.
- That's not my department.
- Our computer's down.
- We must have misplaced your original request.
- It's on someone elses desk.
- Don't ask me - I just work here.
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say:
- I'm Stupid.
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like:
- Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign.
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says:
- Hey, you moving?
- Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes:
- Hey, y'all catch all them fish?
- No - We talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
- Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.
- Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it!
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said:
- Tire go flat?
I couldn't resist. said:
- Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me! Here's your sign.
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says:
- Darn that's hot!
See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked:
- So.. is your truck stuck?
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said:
- no I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign.
58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
Shingles were loose on Pennock's roof, and he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor.
- Why don't you mend the roof? - asked Barton.
- I can't today - Pennock replied.
- It's pouring rain.
- Well, why don't you patch it in dry weather.
- It don't leak then!
Shall I tell you the joke about the bed?
→ No, because it hasn't been made up yet.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
- Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said:
- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in Coach said:
- That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!
An Ancient Greek man walks into a tailor and holds up a torn tunic.
- Tailor: Euripides? (You-rip-e-dees)
- Man: Eumenedes?? (You-men-e-dees)
(Say it quickly, it works!)
