Situations — most viewed jokes

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls:

- Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply:

- Yes I have a phone.

The driver of the Yugo says:

- Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says:

- Yes, I have a refrigerator.

The driver of the Yugo says:

- That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says:

- Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!

The driver of the Yugo says:

- Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

- I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce - the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said:

- You got me out of the shower for that!

My brother-in-law goes into a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. He looks on the side of his cup and finds a peel off prize. He pulls off the tab and yells:

- I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!

The waitress runs over and says:

- That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!

My brother-in-law replies:

- No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says:

- You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we don't have that as a prize!

Once again, my brother in-law says:

- No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!

The manager grabs the prize ticket and reads:

- WIN A BAGEL.

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign:

- Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read:

- Now there are two!

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

- Is this yours? - he asked.

She said:

- Yes, could you bring it up? - and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.

Shortly afterwards she said:

- I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said:

- I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?

The man hesitated then said:

- Do you act like this with every man you meet?

- No - she replied - Only those who catch my eye!

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks:

- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself:

- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times:

- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk:

- why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?

The clerk answers:

- D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!

- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late.

- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.

- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

- Super glue is forever.

- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.

- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jello.

- VCR's do not eject PB+J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

- Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

- Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

- I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

- For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

- Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

- Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.

- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

- Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

- By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.

- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Only in America do we chain $2.00 ink pens to the counter but leave our $58,000 cars out in the driveway.

A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate.

On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested grass that has been set out to dry.
Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the trees.

The next day they read the headlines in the local paper:

Pot Farm Burns - No Tern Left Unstoned.

- Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door?

- Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy.

- Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off.