Situations — most viewed jokes

Top reasons why it's great to be Canadian:

• It beats being an American.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
• You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
• Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
• A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
• Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
• Own-an-eskimo scheme.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

JOKESGALORE NEWS FLASH
10 - 29 - 2001:
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in one of the neighborhoods in Cleveland, Ohio.

Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.

Police Officials have detained the following terrorists on civil unrest issues:

1. Bin Sleepin
2. Bin Drinkin
3. Bin Fightin

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, anywhere in the neighborhood.

Police are very confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. No further information available.

END OF NEWS FLASH

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight.

They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom.

They tied the noose around the second cowboy's head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away.

As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, "Please! Would yaw'l tighten that noose a little bit? I can't swim!"

- I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party for you.

- A 'surprised' birthday party? What's that?

- That's where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I'll be surprised!

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork."

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.

The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal.

He asks, "My God almighty, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker replies, "So much for your canoe!"

The top 10 least desirable fortunes in a fortune cookie:

• We know where you live.
• You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
• Everyone's meal today is on you!
• The "special sauce" came from the floor!
• Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
• Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
• A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
• Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
• See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
• MSG? NO!!
• Ebola Virus....maybe

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe'en party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!"

How do prisoners in jail talk to each other?
→ With their cell phones!

Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )

Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
→ No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.

Are you married?
→ No, I'm divorced.

And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
→ A lot of things I didn't know about.

Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
→ No.

What was he doing with the dog's ears?
→ Picking them up in the air.

Where was the dog at this time?
→ Attached to the ears.

And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
→ Oral.

How old are you?
→ Oral.

Do you drink when you're on duty?
→ I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
→ Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!

Are you sexually active?
→ No, I just lie there.

- Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world

- What was I wearing?