School — most viewed jokes

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

- Nigel: You said the school dentist would be painless, but he wasn't.

- Teacher: Did he hurt you?

- Nigel: No, but he screamed when I bit his finger.

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"

- Professor: I forgot to take my umbrella this morning.

- Wife: When did you first miss it, dear?

- Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.

- Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!

- Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?

- Professor: Yes, but I thought it was mine!

Three students from Michigan State, the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked, "Do you have any final words, son?"

"Yeah, drop dead!" snapped the Wolverine.

Hearing this, the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out.

The executioner pulled the lever, and as the crowd gaped in astonishment, the giant blade came to a screeching halt three inches from the victim's throat.

"It's God's will! Let him go!" cried the judge.

Next the fella from U. of Kentucky was put on the block, and the judge asked again, "And what are your final remarks, my boy?"

"Go to hell!" shouted the student, and the judge signaled. The razor-sharp blade fell and miraculously stopped just a quarter inch from the condemned boy's neck. "It's the will of God!" exclaimed the judge. "Set him free!"

Finally the Texan was put into position. "Before you're beheaded," said the judge, "do you have any last words?"

"Yeh!" replied the Aggie. "If y'all will just put a little more grease on them grooves, the blade'll come down a whole lot easier!"

- Professor: A wise man doubts everything. Only a pin-head is positive.

- Student: Are you sure of that, sir?

- Professor: Positive.

Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal?
→ He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.

- Teacher: Tommy you try my patience!

- Tommy: No, teacher you had better try mine. There's more of it!

A son is calling his mom from college, and telling her that he had just got his degree. The mother says:

- That's great honey! What kind of degree?

And the son, almost squealing with excitement, says:

- The best one ever, a Celsius degree!