School — most viewed jokes

On day there was a boy at school. He needed to go to the toilet. The teacher said "Say your ABCs first"

The boy started saying "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z"

The teacher asked at the end "Where is your P?"

The boy answered "Running down my pants!!"

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, little johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," little johnny answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

Little johnny replied, "A puppy!"

Where do religious school children practice sports?
→ In the prayground!

I will not waste chalk...
I will not skateboard in the halls...
I will not burp in class...
I will not draw naked ladies in class...
I did not see Elvis...
I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'...
Garlic gum is not funny...
They are laughing at me, not with me...
I will not yell 'fire' in a crowded classroom...
I will not encourage others to fly...
I will not fake my way through life...
Tar is not a plaything...
I will not Xerox my butt...
I will not trade pants with others...
I will not do that thing with my tongue...
I will not drive the principal's car...
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart...
I will not sell school property...
I will not instigate revolution...

An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples."
"I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".

The teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation.

Mary went first. "My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie."

Next came Tommy. "My dad is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r, and if he were here, he'd give each of us a quarter."

Third came Jimmy. "My dad is an electrician." But after struggling through a number of attempts to spell the word, the teacher asked him to sit and think about it for a moment while she called on someone else.

She then turned to Johnny. "My dad's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e," Johnny said. "And if he were here, he'd lay you 8 to 5 that Jimmy ain't never gonna spell electrician."

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?"

After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common?
→ Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth!

- Teacher: Shall I put the school computer on?

- Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you're wearing looks fine.