School — most viewed jokes

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:

1. A certified medical excuse
2. A death in the student's immediate family

A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.

After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand."

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said 'No Way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ.'

Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said 'I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond. You're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy.'

So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad said 'Where is your sister?'

They replied 'We were almost there Daddy, and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read - 'Clarence 13'6"' - so we turned around and got the hell out of there!'

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

- Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?

- Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"

What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel?
→ I'm sorry to leave, now that I've almost bought the place.

What do you call an ant who skips school?
→ A truant!

A blonde reports for his University's final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going to finish rechecking my answers!"

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

A Boston brokerage house advertised for a "young Harvard graduate or the equivalent."

Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad. He said, "Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?"

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.

There was one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat."

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl.

The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.

"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too."

The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?"

The teacher paused and smiled.

"Then," Lucy said, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."