Religion — most viewed jokes

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Joan of Arc Barbie ...comes with stake, kindling, and matches

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!

Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!! and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.

During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."

From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said - "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

- Like what?

- Well ... are you religious or atheist?

- Religious.

- Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?

- Christian.

- Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?

- Protestant.

- Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?

- Baptist.

- Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?

- Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

One goldfish to his tankmate:
"If there's no God, who changes the water?"

So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says, "Next!"

He asks the first nun, "Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"

The first nun says, embarrased, "Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time..."

St. Peter says, "No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!" So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter asks the second nun, "Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"

The second nun says, embarrassed, "Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen..."

"Not to worry!" laughs St. Peter. "Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and you're set!" So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun. "Have you ever come in cont..."

Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts! "Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!"

"Be patient, child, you'll have your turn," says St. Peter. He turns to the third one again. "Now, have you ever come in contact with..."

"Mr. PETER!!!!" The fourth one screams. "I REALLY have to go first." "I'll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!"

"NO WAY!" the fourth one says, practically fuming. "I'm not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!"

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

And once again the low self-esteem therapy group meets here at the Salvation Army Hall next Tuesday at 3.00 P.M. Remember that we prefer if you would use the back entrance.

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned."