Religion — most viewed jokes

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

In Heaven:

• The cooks are French
• The policemen are English
• The mechanics are German
• The lovers are Italian
• The bankers are Swiss

In Hell:

• The cooks are English
• The policemen are German
• The mechanics are French
• The lovers are Swiss
• The bankers are Italian

In Computer Heaven:

• The management is from Intel
• The design and construction is done by Apple
• The marketing is done by Microsoft
• IBM provides the support
• Gateway determines the pricing

In Computer Hell:

• The management is from Apple
• Microsoft does design and construction
• IBM handles the marketing
• The support is from Gateway
• Intel sets the price

One day, there was a plane that crashed. On it, was Bill Clinton, and an EXTREMELY religious guy who's only wish was to meet the Virgin Mary.

The plane crashed and Bill and Phil both died. Heaven and Hell got all mixed up that day, so the religious guy went to Hell, and Bill went to heaven--temporarily for 20 minutes.

On their way back, they bumped into each other and Phil said, "Oh, my ONLY hope in the world is to see the Virgin Mary", and Bill Clinton replies... "Sorry, buddy, you're 15 minutes late!"

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"

God replied, "Shirley! I'm sorry but I didn't recognize you!"

How do angels greet each other?
→ They say, Halo.

In Heaven:
The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

One day a woman went to her pastor and asked, "Pastor there are some things in life that aren't addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them."

The Pastor responded, "There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about".

The woman responded, "PMS is not in the Bible". So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer.

The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible.

The Pastor replied, "Yes, it's the part where Mary rides Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!".

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue.

"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!

Back to the synagogue.

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET"

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window...

"Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached...

"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." He turns red and runs away.

Then came the third...

"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates - St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"