Religion — most viewed jokes

Saint Peter is doing his thing, minding the Gates of Heaven, when he notices that the Gates are getting a bit shabby and shopworn and in need of repair.

He goes outside to the line of people waiting to come "in" and asks "ARE THERE ANY CONTRACTORS HERE?"

Three guys step foreward......... A Black Man, an Italian, and a Jew.

Peter asks the three to inspect the Gates and then give a price, with a breakdown.

First, the Black guy goes over and looks at the Gates. "I think $900.00 should do it" he says. "That would be $300. for materials, $300. for labor, and $300 for me" "Great," says Peter

Next the Italian guy inspects the Gates. He takes a long time, pouring over every bit of what he surveys, then comes back to St. Peter and tells him that "These are the most wonderful, beautiful Gates!! They were almost certainly constructed in Italy, probably Florence, in the Renaissance! Pure Works of Art!" The price...$3,000. I'll need $1000 for materials, $1,000 for the finest Italian craftsmen and $1,000 for my profit" "OK" "Thanks" says Peter and now the Jew.

He quickly surveys the Gates and returns to Peter.

The price is $2,900... That's $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me, and we hire the colored guy!

The Sunday School teacher asked if any of the children's parents had quoted from the Bible in the past week. Little Timmy paused, but then spoke up, "My daddy doesn't have any hair on his head. Daddy says that God put hair on everything that he was ashamed of."

Why did the Priest wear underwear in the shower?
→ He didn't want to look down on the unemployed

Do you know why David killed Goliath and then decapitated him?
→ He wanted to get a-head!

A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional. His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments.

The door opened and a man entered. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," he began. "I have stolen."

The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary.

The next time the door opened, a woman walked in. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner."

The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldn't find it. He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady, "What does Father John give for a blow job?"

"$12.50 if I take me teeth out."

The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.

After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, "Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS."

The minister scratched his head....thought for a moment and said, "Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but I'm sure that it exists. See me after next week's service and I will give you an answer."

The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.

The preacher said, "Yes my dear, that passage does in fact exist." She said, "Well please tell me where PMS is mentioned in the Bible. I've read it many, many times and I have never seen it mentioned at all."

Preacher says, "Its right in the book of Matthew." She said, "No way, I've read that several times and its not mentioned at all!"

He said, "It certaintly is, if you remember in the Christmas story, it states very specifically...that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!"

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
→ Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin!

- Cannibal: Mom, mom, I've been eating a missionary and I feel sick!

- Mom: Well, you know what they say - you can't keep a good man down!

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"