Religion — most viewed jokes

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says:

- get in, get in!

The religous man replies:

- no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause:

- God will grant him a miracle.

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter:

- I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down.

St. Peter chuckles and responds:

- I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses:

- I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days.

and Moses says:

- Yeah sure.

So Jesus gets up and says:

- I think I'll walk on the water, that was always a good one.

So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him. Moses then says:

- What's the problem?

and
Jesus says:

- I think its the holes in my feet!

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said:

- I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.

St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says:

- I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.

St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says:

- I was a case manager for an HMO.

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says:

- Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone:

- And how are we doing this morning?

Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.

The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said:

- It seems we are a little cloudy today...

At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drinked its contents, saying:

- Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time.

Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner he told them: I need three important people to send my message out to all the people:

- Tomorrow I will destroy the earth.

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them:

- I have two really bad news items for you:

1. God really exists and
2. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth.

Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them:

- I have good news and bad news:

1. The GOOD news is that God really does exist
2. The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth.

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced:

- I have two fantastic announcements:

1. I am one of the three most important people on earth
2. The Year 2000 problem is solved.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money. She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps. The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps.

The blonde throws up her money, and yells:

- God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep.

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor:

- what did you do on Earth?

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor:

- you may go in.

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her:

- you may go in.

St. Peter asked the third man:

- what did you do?

The man hung his head and replied:

- I ran a large HMO.

To which St. Peter replied:

- you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.

So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says:

- You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.

- Wow! - the guy says.

- I never imagined heaven would be this good.

The man in the robe says:

- This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer.

Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked:

- Do you have something you would like to say?

The man nodded to the affirmative, and the preist handed him a pad And pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."

Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died.

After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note. "Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read:

- GET OFF MY FUCKING OXYGEN HOSE!!

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said:

- I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

- What type of bra? - asked the clerk.

- Type? - inquires the man. There is more than one type?

- Look around - said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

- Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras - replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied:

- The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?

Still confused the man asked:

- What is the difference between them?

The lady responded:

- It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

An airplane pilot dies at the controls.

He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area.

There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears.

The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses.

The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position.

He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says:

- I wanted door number three!

- Sorry - replies the devil.

- that's 'flight attendant's hell'.