Religion — most viewed jokes

What do you call a gay Jewish person?
→ A He-Blew!

Mother Mary held her daughter, 20 minutes under water.

Not to save herself from troubles, but just to see the funny bubbles!

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

- Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

- Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later...

- Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

- Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

- Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

- Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said:

- I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.

- Great! - said the first guy:

- I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!

- No problem - replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.

- And what do you want to be - St. Peter asked the other guy.

- I'd like to be one cool stud! - was the reply.

- Easy - replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back.

- You'll find them easily - he says:

- One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!

A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost. She said to god, why wont you let me win?

God replied, How about buying a ticket first?

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says:

- get in, get in!

The religous man replies:

- no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause:

- God will grant him a miracle.

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter:

- I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down.

St. Peter chuckles and responds:

- I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

The man said:

- I do Father.

The priest said:

- Then stand over there against the wall.

Then the priest asked the second man:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

- Certainly, Father - was the man's reply.

- Then stand over there against the wall - said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said:

- No, I don't Father.

The priest said:

- I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said:

- Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him:

- What is wrong with you?

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.

Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying:

- this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked:

- What would a woman like this cost me??

The voice answered:

- an arm and a leg.

Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked:

- What can I get for just a rib???

The rest is history . . .

What does an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic do?
→ Stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog.