Religion — most viewed jokes

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).

- Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.

- Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?

- Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.

- Man: OK.

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

- Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.

- Man: That looks worse, got anything left.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

- Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.

- Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?

- Man: Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says:

- Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads!

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked:

- When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says:

- I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says:

- I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies:

- I would like to hear them say:

- Look! He's moving!

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.

- What sort of accountant are you? - says St Peter

- Public Practitioner - is the reply.

- Name?

He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

- Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span - says St Peter.

- How can that be? - says the accountant.

- I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight

- No, that's impossible.

- Why do you say that?

- Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:

- Lord, I have a problem!

- What's the problem, Eve?

- Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy.

- Why is that, Eve? - came the reply from above.

- Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples.

- Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

- What's a man, Lord?

- Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly.

- Sounds great! - says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

- What's the catch, Lord?

- Well... you can have him on one condition.

- What's that, Lord?

- As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...

So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

Just remember, it's our little secret...

You know, woman to woman.

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.

Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.

- No, thank you - Mrs. Watkins replied.

- The Lord will provide.

The men shrugged and rowed on.

By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.

- Don't trouble yourself - she told him.

- The Lord will provide.

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting:

- The Lord will provide.

So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God.

- What happened? - she cried.

- For cryin' out loud, lady - God said - I sent three boats!

Buckwheat from the Little Rascals became a Muslim.

Now they call him Kareem of Wheat!

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest. Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed:

- Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!

The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said:

- Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive...

An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.

Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.

- I've got the very thing for you - said the Irishman.

- It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick.

- You swindler! - shouted the American.

- You sold me that ten years ago - and, producing the skull, added:

- Look, they're not even the same size!

- You have it all wrong - said the Irishman.

- This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad.

Was the principal's brother really a missionary?
→ He certainly was. He gave the people of the Cannibal Islands their first taste of Christianity!

This lady approaches a priest and tells him:

- Father, I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed.

- but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary.

The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage.

- Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? - they say.

One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims:

- Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!