Religion — most viewed jokes

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.

- Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.

He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

- Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice:

- Yes.

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed:

- I thought we had a deal.

The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back:

- She made me a much better offer.

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

- Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven.

- You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment.

- Is there anything which your holiness desires?

- Well, yes, I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. - the Pope replied.

Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time.

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over:

- There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

- Well, Father - began the old man. - At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.

- That's a wonderful thing - interjected the priest. - But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!

- It's gets worse Father - continued the elderly fellow. - I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors.

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded:

- Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly.

- Thank you Father - said the old man. - That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?

- Of course, my son - said the priest.

The old man asked:

- Do I have to tell her that the war is over?

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

- Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?

Father Patrick replied:

- I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.

Muldoon said:

- I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?

Father Patrick:

- $500? - Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims:

- Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?

Father looks at her and says:

- Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis.

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby:

- Take me to my hotel and step on it.

The cabby turns and says:

- Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!

- Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.

- Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you! - screams the hotel clerk.

- You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says:

- Thank you... Thank you very much!

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said:

- Adam, come over here and sit down!.

And Adam did so.

- Adam - spoke the Creator:

- I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely.

Adam said nothing in response.

- So - continued the Lord:

- I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!

Adam just looked puzzled but interested.

- This person - said the Lord:

- will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes.

Adam looked grateful.

- This person - said the Lord:

- will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks.

Adam looked thoughtful.

- This person - emphasized the Lord:

- will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!

Adam really looked relieved.

- And, lastly - said the Lord:

- She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness.

Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

- O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?

- An arm and a leg - said the Almighty.

- Well - Adam then said:

- What can I get for a rib?

A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units out. It just so happened that a devoutley religioius woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her.

When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to come out but she just shook her head and said:

- Thank you, but my God will save me.

Shaking his head the rescue worker moved on. The waters rose and she climbed to the second story of her home to wait for God.

A second boat came by and the worker called out:

- Listen lady we've got to get you out of here!

Once again she thanked him profusely and said:

- My God will save me.

The waters rose a third time forceing her to her roof. The water was just closing around her ankels when a third boat came by:

- Lady, I'm the last boat out if you don't come now you're going to die.

She just smiled:

- My God will save me - she said quietly.

Frustrated the worker moved on.

The waters rose once again leaving her standing on her chimney. She heard a huge rukus above her head and when she looked up she saw an emergency helicopter:

- This is it lady, you have to come now or we won't be able to save you.

Still she refused to go.

The waters rose a final time dragging her under and she was drowned. When she got to heaven, the Lord asked her if she had any questions, and in a timid voice she replied:

- You said if I followed you, you would always save me. Why didn't you save me from that flood?

God looked at her in shocked disbelief and said:

- My child I sent three boats and a helicopter for you... What else did you want!

On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican.

A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house.

Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked:

- But where is your husband?

- Jim? - the haggard woman said.

- Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

- Very well - said the gatekeeper of Heaven.

- But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.

- I know, and that's all right - Satan answered unperturbed.

- We've got all the umpires.

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window.

She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says:

- Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions.

She says:

- Why all the clocks in the window?

And he says:

- And what should I have in my window?