Random joke from this category
A firefighter died and went to hell where he finds a wall of clocks.
After seeing all these clocks on a wall, with his friends names under them, he asked the devil, what the clocks mean?
- That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on earth, their clock speeds up one hour. - says the devil.
- I don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere? - the fireman says.
The devil replied:
- Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're using it for a fan.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
- Who is it? - calls one of the nuns.
- Blind man - replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.
- Nice butt, sister - says the man:
- where do you want these blinds?
It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him. - Arthur C. Clarke
Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders? - Friedrich Nietzsche
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. - Voltaire
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. - Peter OToole
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says:
- Father, I never wear panties under my habit.
The priest chuckles and says:
- That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:
- Say, Father, what causes arthritis?
- Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.
- Wow - the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
- I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?
- I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.
A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl said:
- But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human.
- It is physically impossible! - she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said:
- Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.
To this, the teacher said:
- What if Jonah went to hell?
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Three. Two to screw it in, and one to confirm that light began while they were screwing.
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
→ They both have ornamental balls.
A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"
