Religion — most viewed jokes

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.

As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says:

- Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on.

The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest hands the lady $1 and says...

- Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other:

- I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.

- Odd - her companion replied - but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

- Two dogs, please - said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously:

- What part did you get?

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says:

- Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks:

- What did you do?

The woman says:

- I committed adultery.

The priest says:

- How many times?

And the woman replies:

- Three.

Priest:

- Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says:

- Father forgive me for I have sinned.

- What did you do?

- I committed adultery.

- How many times?

- Three times.

The priest says:

- Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says:

- Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The rabbi says:

- What did you do?

The woman replies:

- I committed adultery.

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says:

- How many times?

The woman replies:

- Once.

The rabbi said:

- Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister:

- Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!

What do u call a black priest?
→ Holy shit!!

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said:

- Oh Jack, give me a pint o'the brandy.

- Sister Mary Katherine, I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life! - exclaimed Jack.

- Oh Jack, it's only for the Mother Superior - she responded.

Her voice dropped:

- It helps her constipation, you know.

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering.

Jack pushed through and exclaimed:

- Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! and you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied:

- And so it is, me lad, so it is...

When she sees me, she's gonna crap herself!

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk. He replied:

- Who said that?!

Once again he heard the same thing:

- Jesus is watching you!

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was.

The parrot replied:

- Cornelius.

The robber said:

- What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!

The parrot said:

- The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!

The accountant's prayer: Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time.

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked:

- You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?

- Of course I do. It is the Bible. - the lady replies!

- Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? - he asked.

- Oh, Jonah ... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. - she replied.

- Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale? - he asked.

- Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him. - said the lady.

- What if he isn't in heaven? - the man asked sarcastically.

- Then YOU can ask him. - replied the lady!

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked:

- Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked:

- Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked:

- Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?

- Oh, no! - the little girl replied.

- Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants.