Relationships — most viewed jokes

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.

If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.

If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

How To Impress a Woman:

• Compliment her
• Cuddle her
• Kiss her
• Tease her
• Comfort her
• Hug her
• Send her flowers
• Wine and dine her
• Listen to her
• Care for her
• Hold her
• Support her

How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked..... with beer.

• "Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
• "I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
• "I'm not really married."
• "It's only a cold sore."
• "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."
• "Size isn't important."
• "This won't hurt, I promise."
• "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
• "We'll always be together."
• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
• A man in the house is worth two in the street.
• A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
• A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
• Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
• All the good ones are taken.
• Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
• Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
• Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
• Do it only with the best.
• Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
• Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
• Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
• If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
• If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
• If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law).
• If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.
• If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
• If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.
• It is always the wrong time of month.
• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
• It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
• It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
• Love comes in spurts.
• Love is a hole in the heart.
• Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
• Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
• Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
• Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
• Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
• Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
• Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
• Never say no.
• Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
• Nice guys finish last.
• No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
• No sex with anyone in the same office.
• Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
• Nothing improves with age.
• One good turn gets most of the blankets.
• People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
• Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
• Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
• Sex has no calories.
• Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
• Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
• Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
• Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
• Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
• Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
• The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
• The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
• The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
• The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
• The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
• The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
• The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
• The younger the better.
• There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
• There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
• There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
• Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
• Virginity can be cured.
• What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
• When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
• When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
• You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
• You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.

and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!

Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes...

Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Maria

Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,
Maria

"For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while?" Julie whined.

"What?" Chris replied.

"Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!"

"I'm sorry, honey," Chris said.

"Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed.

"Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"

How can you tell if a man is cheating on you?
→ He has a bath more than once a month.

How do you lose fourteen stone of fat?
→ Dump him.