Relationships — most viewed jokes

- Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days?

- No. Why?

- Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

WHY PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell .. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy .. like puppy dogs .. except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour."

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark."

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television."

"Love is foolish .. but I still might try it sometime."

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place .. We were behind a tree."

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE GOOD LOVER

"Sensitivity don't hurt."

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs .. and don't worry if their parents are right there."

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.. Other people care more about the food."

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."

"See if the man has lipstick on his face."

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire."

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich."

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission."

"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."

"Don't forget your wife's name .. That will mess up the love."

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind .. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."

Duayne met Patricia Ann from Birmingham at a Tus-caloosa ballroom.

They danced every dance together. When the evening was over, he asked if he could see her next time he was in town.

"Yes," replied Patricia Ann shyly.

The young man hurriedly took out his pad and pencil and asked, "What's your number?"

"CApitol 4-6173."

After a long embarrassed pause, Duayne asked, "How do yew make a capital 4?"

- First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her lips like cherries - that's my girl.

- Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.

1. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
2. You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good.
3. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why don't you just come along peacefully?
4. I envy your lipstick.
5. I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?
6. You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - I've just gotta have it.
7. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I'm here after.
8. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
9. Baby, you look so sweet you're giving me a cavity.
10. Is it me or am I gorgeous?
11. I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Men have a good memory, it's just short!
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Most women are introverted: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are extroverted: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

Did you hear about the monster who sent his picture to a lonely hearts club?
→ They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely!

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career? goals?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this dance will explain how I feel about you"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

What happens if you sing country music backwards?
→ You get your job and your wife back.

Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."