Relationships — most viewed jokes

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You're the only woman on earth!"

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve!

What happens when two burgers fall in love?
→ They live together in holy meatrimony!

Bill is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Bill just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Bill replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear old Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Bill and his friend get together. "So Bill. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Bill shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"So are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
→ Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!

- Boy monster: You've got a face like a million dollars!

- Girl monster: Have I really?

- Boy monster: Yes - it's green and wrinkly!

What do you call an affectionate rabbit?
→ A tender, loving hare.

- First Cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you with last night?

- Second Cannibal: That was no girl, that was my supper.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West

"I was married by a judge... I should have asked for a jury." - George Burns

Unknown Author Quotes

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
4. Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
5. What sign were you born under? No Parking.
6. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at!?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
11. Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time." Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."