Relationships — most viewed jokes

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West

"I was married by a judge... I should have asked for a jury." - George Burns

Unknown Author Quotes

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

• You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?
• Hey, didn't we go to different high schools?
• There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
• If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
• At last! I finally found the perfect girl!
• A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.
• Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?
• Is it hot in here or is it just you?
• If I follow you home, will you keep me?
• The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
• If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
• If love is the answer...can you repeat the question?
• I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
• Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking.
• I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?
• But you're so cute when you blush!
• All those curves, and me with no brakes.
• I don't approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.
• Please be patient--this is my first time.
• May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.
• Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.
• Nothing says "I love you" better than six hours of nonstop sex.
• A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.
• A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.
• I only like two kinds of girls--domestic and imported.
• If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!
• I can read you like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.
• Didn't I meet you in some other hallucination?
• Be good and you'll be lonely.
• The best things in life are ME!
• I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
• I used to be a terrible flirt. I'm much better at it now.
• I don't dance. But I'd love to hold you while you do.
• Clothes aren't sexy. Women are.
• I can't whistle at my girlfriend...she leaves me breathless!
• Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
• I feel great! And I don't kiss badly either!
• BITCH also stands for: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!

Men are like curling irons.

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. "I'm a nurse." "I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear. "That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."

Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. 'I thought it was love at first sight,' said Julie.
'It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.'

• LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
• DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
• BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
• EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
• EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
• FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
• INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
• INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
• IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
• LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
• NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
• FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
• SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
• NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

I was given the ultimatum 3 weeks ago. She said "it's me or your fishing."

Gee I miss her.

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."