Relationships — most viewed jokes

Men are like bank accounts.

Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Romantic Remembrance by Valentine Card

- Now that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring.

- Of course. What's your phone number?

Why do men like love at first sight?
→ It saves them a lot of time.

How are men like carpet tiles?
→ If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.

- Ohhh, it's my girlfriend.

- What's the problem?

- When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.

- My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful

- Well they do say that love is blind!

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:

• If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.
• Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
• Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.
• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.
• ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
• Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
• No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.
• Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.
• Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
• "Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers.
• A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
• Check your oil.
• Don't give us rules.
• Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
• Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 2 days.
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
• Women wearing low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?

- Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: What sign were you born under?

- Woman: No Parking.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then please leave me alone.

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner.

If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.

If they pay for dinner, you are using them.

If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.

If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.

If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework.

If they want sex, they won't let you sleep.

If you want sex, they won't wake up.

If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.

If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends.

If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don't like their friends.