Redneck Jokes — most viewed jokes

Even more clues you could be a Redneck...

• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
• You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
• You think the Bud Bowl is real.
• Your dog goes "oink!"
• You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
• Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
• You know how to milk a goat.
• Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
• Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
• You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
• Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
• You have a refrigerator just for beer.
• You come back from the dump with more than you took.
• Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
• You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
• You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
• You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
• The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
• You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
→ Either way somebody loses a trailer home!

You know you're a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first.

You know you're a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks!

If you've been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck.

If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck.

You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car.

You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states.

You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes you a sun-roof.

You know you are redneck when your friends go water skiing while you are towing your boat to the lake.

You might be a redneck if your exhaust system incorporates more than three wire hangers and at least two juice cans.

You might be a redneck if you think "fat-free" means undoing your belt and the first 3 buttons.

You know you're a redneck when you think marriage vows are what your father-in-law promised to do to you if you didn't marry his daughter.

You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.

You might be a redneck if it's easier to rotate your home than your TV antenna.

You might be a redneck if you use old newspapers in more than 3 ways in your home.

You know you're a redneck if you stare at the Orange Juice container because it says "Concentrate."

You know you're a redneck when some one yells "hoe down" and your wife drops to the floor!

You might be a redneck if you can relate to the following statements:

1. "Nothing says lovin' like lovin? your cousin!"
2. "Why go across town when you can go across the hall?"
3. "If you can't keep it in the pants then keep it in the family."

You know you're a redneck when your family tree is a wreath.

You know your a redneck when your town priest is also your town plummer.

You know you're a redneck when you're front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You have a home that is mobil and 14 cars that aren't.

You know you're a redneck when you have seven cars in your driveway, but only one works.

What was the last thing the redneck said before he died?
→ "Hey y'all, watch this!"

You know your a redneck if your Thanksgiving turkey was once a family pet!

You might be a redneck if you wear cowboy boots with shorts.

Redneck's Ode to a Valentine

Kudzu is green.
My Dog's name is Blue.
And I'm so danged lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk,
A-flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

Yo're as graceful as okry
jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth
For which I am proud.
I hold my head high
When we's in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well I'm in hawg heaven.
I'm plumb out of my wits.

And speakin' of wits,
You got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you are my woman.
I can't ask fer more.

Like a good roll of Duct Tape
Yo're there for yore man
To patch up life's toubles
And stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud.
Yet fragile as that singer
Named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a Junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
On which I oft treat.

Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like my Rattletrap Shad.
(A fishing lure.)

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete.
There ain't nothin' I lack.

Yore complexion's perfection
Like the best vinly sidin',
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
I won't put you on blocks
and let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a cold RC drank.
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day.
They git it at Wal-Mart.
It's romatic that way.

Some men, they git roses
On that special day
From a coller at Food World.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"A diamond's forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this feller, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You old sweet thang, you.

I got you a gift without taste nor odor.
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.

How do you circumsize a redneck?
→ You kick his sister in the chin!

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were - "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut. After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley's head.
"How you like it?" asked the barber. "Real fine," said the redneck.
"But how 'bout making it a little longer in the back?"

Dewey and Odell met on the Brownsville main street. "Say," said Dewey, "Ah hurd yew and yore wife is goin' ta night school ta take Spanish lessons. How cum?"
"Uh huh," answered Odell. "We went and adopted us a little Mexican baby, and we wanna be able ta understand him when he gets old enough ta talk!"

• Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
• He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
• You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".
• He refers to Klingons as "Critters".
• He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".
• He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
• He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
• He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies".
• He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
• He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
• He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
• He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".
• He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
• He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba".
• He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster".
• He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
• He paints the starship John Deere green.
• He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".
• He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp".
• His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
• He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".
• His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
• He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
• His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
• He sets phaser to "Cajun".

You know you are in a Texas church when:

• People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
• The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
• The restrooms are outside.
• Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
• A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
• When it rains, everyone is smiling.
• Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
• The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
• The pastor wears boots.
• Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
• There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
• Baptism is referred to as "branding".
• There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
• Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
• High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
• People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
• People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
• The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"

What does Ford stand for?
→ Found On Rednecks Driveway!