Redneck Jokes — most viewed jokes

Last name: _________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
[] billy bob [] Bobby-Sue
[] Billy-Joe [] Bobby-Jo
[] Billy-Ray [] Bobby-Ann
[] Billy-Sue [] Bobby-Lee
[] Billy-Mae [] Bobby-Ellen
[] Billy-Jack [] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: _ M _ F ___ Not sure
Shoe Size: _ Left _ Right

Occupation:
[] Farmer [] Mechanic
[] Hair Dresser [] Waitress
[] Unemployed [] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: _________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________
Lover's Name: ________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:
[] Sister [] Aunt
[] Brother [] Uncle
[] Mother [] Son
[] Father [] Daughter
[] Cousin [] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____

Mother's Name: ___________________
Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [] own or [] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:
[] truck [] kitchen
[] bedroom [] bathroom
[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[] Yes [] No; if no, please explain: _____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[] National Enquirer [] The Globe
[] TV Guide [] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:
[] Yellow [] Brownish-Yellow
[] Brown [] Black
[_] N/A How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what's a miles?

You just might be a Redneck if:You've ever tried to drown a fish. You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!" Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event. None of your shirts cover your stomach. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. Your family tree does not fork. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year." Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day. Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do. You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth. Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit. You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

You know you're a redneck jedi when..

• You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
• You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
• Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
• You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
• At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
• You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
• You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
• The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
• Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
• You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
• You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
• You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
• You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
• You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
• You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
• Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
• You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
• You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
• You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
• Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview.

"Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?"

The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time. "Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!"

The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another.

"Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!"

The reporter was frustrated. "Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had."

"Well," the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, "thar was that time "I" got lost..."

Ruby Alice walked up to the desk of a Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the letter "O."

"Why'd you put that circle down?" asked the clerk.

"Cause Ah can't write," replied the girl.

"Why don't you sign with an 'X'?" asked the man.

"Ah used to," she answered. "But when Ah got me a divorce, Ah took back mah maiden name!"

Three paratroopers, a Jew, an American, and a Pollack are to throw a hand gernade from the plane, then jump.

The Jew goes first - "This is for my country" and he throws the gernade out and jumps. He lands and sees a little boy crying and asks "what's the matter"? The boys says "my dog just blew up!"

The American tosses the gernade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying. She tells him, "my cat just blew up!"

The Pollack tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off. "What so funny, asks the Pollock?"

The Redneck replies - "I just farted and my house blew up!"

You Just Might Be A Redneck If...

• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
• You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
• You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
• You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
• The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
• One of your kids was born on a pool table.
• You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
• Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
• You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
• You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
• Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

So there is this guy named Bubba who lives in the South who is totally racist. He hates everyone of ethnic background so much that when ever he sees anyone of color walking down the street he runs them over with his truck.

One day Bubba's wife invites the town preacher over for dinner and Bubba has to pick the preacher up and drive him to Bubba's house. Sure enough there is a black guy walking on the side of the road hitch hiking.

Bubba cannot control his urge to hit the guy so he thinks to himself "If I pretend to pass out I can swerve over and hit the guy and the preacher will be none the wiser". So Bubba pretends to pass out and swerves over, after he hears a thump he pretends to wake up. He says to the preacher "Please tell me I didn't hit that hitchhiker". The preacher turns to Bubba and says "No son, but I got him with the door."

Kelso met Hensley on the street. "Hey!" said Kelso, "how come I never hear from you? Why don't you call me on the telephone?"

"You ain't got no tellyphone!" said Hensley.

"I know," said Kelso. "But you do!"

During the Vietnam War, a hillbilly soldier shot about a dozen of the enemy during his first battle.

The Sergeant said, "How'd you learn to shoot like that? Have you ever been in combat before?"

"Well suh," drawled the boy, "To be honest, this is my first public war."