Redneck Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?
→ A full set of teeth!

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?"

The guy says, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"

The fella says, "Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"

• "Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
• "Keyboard" -- Place to hang your truck keys.
• "Window" -- Place in the truck to hang your guns.
• "Floppy" -- When you run out of Polygrip.
• "Modem" -- How you got rid of your dandelions.
• "ROM" -- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
• "Byte" -- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
• "Reboot" -- What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
• "Network" -- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
• "Mouse" -- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
• "LAN" -- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
• "Cursor" -- What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
• "bit" -- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
• "digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
• "packet" -- What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were.

The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive.

"Hell," says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

"That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.

"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"

"Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."

• Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
• Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
• Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
• How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
• I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
• I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
• I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
• I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
• I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
• I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
• If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
• My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
• Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
• She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

Redneck Driver's License Application...

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________
First name: [] Billy-Bob [] Bobby-Sue [] Billy-Joe [] Bobby-Jo [] Billy-Ray [] Bobby-Ann [] Billy-Sue [] Bobby-Lee [] Billy-Mae [] Bobby-Ellen [] Billy-Jack [] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: []M []F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: [] Farmer [] Mechanic [] Hair Dresser [] Waitress [] Un-employed [] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: [] Sister [] Aunt [] Brother [] Uncle [] Mother [] Son [] Father [] Daughter [] Cousin [] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [] 5th grade [] 6th grade
Do you [] own or [] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___
Total number of vehicles you own ___
Number of vehicles that still crank ___
Number of vehicles in front yard ___
Number of vehicles in back yard ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [] Yes [] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [] Yes [] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [] The National Enquirer [] The Globe [] TV Guide [] Soap Opera Digest [] Rifle and Shotgun [] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [] Weekly [] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth: [] Yellow [] Brownish-Yellow [] Brown [] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [] Red-Man [] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road? [] 1 mile [] 2 miles [_] don't know

In the middle of his honeymoon, the young hillbilly bridegroom left his bride back at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His father asks him, "Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?"

The boy replies, "Daddy I was jus' gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?"

The father says, "Boy don' be tellin me you don' know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin.."

The boy says, "Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma wife." The father replies, "So what difference dis make?" To which the son says, "Well daddy, I jus got to figure if she ain't good nuff for her own family she shore ain't good enough for ours!"

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

Jim sees his neighbor out back building a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas generator and so on. "So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie huh?"
"Naw", says the neighbor. "Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker now, 'cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's nuts."