Redneck Jokes — most viewed jokes

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??"

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Coolwip" on the side..........you might be a Redneck

If your working T.V. sits on top of ur NON-working T.V. ..........you might be a Redneck

If you think a "courter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart..........you might be a Redneck

If the biggest city you've ever been too is Walmart..........you might be a Redneck

Four Independence boys, Pugh, Sumter, Kilby and Grayson, were walking down a Clay County road when they came to a high, solid brick wall. Wondering what was behind it, Pugh, Sumter and Kilby boosted Grayson so he could take a look. "Looks like one of them nudist camps," reported Grayson. "Men or women?" asked Pugh. "Can't tell," said Grayson. "They don't have no clothes on."

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said 'No Way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ.'

Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said 'I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond. You're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy.'

So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad said 'Where is your sister?'

They replied 'We were almost there Daddy, and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read - 'Clarence 13'6"' - so we turned around and got the hell out of there!'

You Might Be A Redneck...

• If your dad walks u to school 'cause you're in the same grade!
• If u mow the grass and find the car!
• If someone comes to your house everyday thinking you're having a garage sale!
• If u sell the car 4 gas money!

- Tourist: What's the speed limit in this hick town?

- Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us.

How do you know you've been kidnapped by a redneck?
→ He's asking 2 million dollars ransom in unmarked million dollar bills.

This rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.

The redneck looks quizzically at the dash board and says, "What are those thangs?" The driver says, "Those are golf tees".

The redneck asks, "What those are for?" The driver says "Those hold my balls when I drive."

The redneck says, "Sheeit, these Lincolns sure come with everythang!"

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.
5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
7. You own a homemade fur coat.
8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
17. Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
18. Birds are attracted to your beard.
19. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
21. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
22. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
23. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
25. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.
27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
31. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
33. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
34. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
37. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
40. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
41. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
43. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.
45. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
47. You've ever bought a used cap.
48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
50. You've ever financed a tattoo.
51. You've ever stolen toilet paper.
52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
58. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
60. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
61. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
65. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
68. You own a denim leisure suit.
69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
71. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
73. You have a rag for a gas cap.
74. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
77. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
78. You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."
79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
83. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
84. All of your four letter words are two syllables.
85. You've ever been too drunk to fish?
86. You cut your toenails in front of company.
87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
89. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
90. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
91. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
93. You can spit without opening your mouth.
94. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
95. You call your boss "dude".
96. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
97. You have grease under your toenails.
98. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
101. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
102. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
108. Your wife's hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
109. Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
110. Your house doesn't have curtains but your pick-up does.
111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the "Lube Rack".
112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
113. Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.
114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.
115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.
117. Your family tree doesn't fork.
118. Directions to your house include the phrase "turn off the paved road".
119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at bingo.
121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.
122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
124. You've been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.
125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.
126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos".
127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle.
132. Your brother and sister get divorced...from each other.
133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture...and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.
134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.