Ouch — most viewed jokes

Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?
→ Because he was dead!

A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife has died.

When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room kissing a mate.

"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!!" His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"

What did the little kid do with the dead battery?
→ He buried it.

If a man was born in England, raised in America and died in Spain, what does that make him?
→ Dead.

What do you find in a zombie's veins?
→ Dead blood corpuscles.

These two friends are about to go to a club.
One of them has a wooden eye. He said "If someone says something about my eye, i'm gonna snap." They get there, and he asks a girl to dance. She says, "Would I?"

If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.

If this doesn't work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
→ Cut the rope.

- My brother's a professional boxer.

- Heavyweight?

- No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death!

A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?"

The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf."

The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all."

The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. They never bring 'em back!"