Ouch — most viewed jokes

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
→ Because people are dying to get in.

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"

How do you make a Venetian blind?
→ Poke him in the eye

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:
"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

Did you hear someone has invented a coffin that just covers the head?
→ It's for people like you who're dead from the neck up!

- Doctor, doctor, I feel dead from the waist down.

- I'll arrange for you to be halfburied.

The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, "Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?"

"Course not," replied the Sheriff.
"We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you."

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
→ Koresh only burned 85 people.

If you had a gun and you were being chased by a bull and a mountain lion, which one would you shoot first?
→ The mountain lion. You can always shoot the bull!

What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
→ A dead girlfriend.