Ouch — most viewed jokes

- I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week.

- Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.

What did the dead raccoon say in his will?
→ "Leave it to Beaver."

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. "Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, "Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons... Funeral arrangements haven't yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea."

A quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop.

The bus pulls up.

Driver says "alright John, how you getting on today?"

What's black and white and red all over?
→ A nun in a car accident.

A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, "Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to throw the switch in a minute."
The man said, "Do me a favor and throw it out the window!"

If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is she?
→ Dead.

Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.

After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse. "I just don't know what to do with you!" he said, shaking his head.

"We've talked about this over and over. We've spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again."

"I know, I know..." acknowledged the wife contritely. "But at least I'm cutting back!"

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.

After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"