Ouch — most viewed jokes

What did the black baby say to its mother when it had diarrhea?
→ "Mommy, I'm melting!!!"

This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby.

- I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no legs...

- Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see it.

- He's got no arms either...

- That bad, uh? I have to see it!

- And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually, it's only an ear...

- ... He's still my son, take me to him now.

Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge ear in it.

- My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!!

- Louder...he's deaf too!!!

What do you call a blonde sky diving team?
→ A new version of the lawn dart's game.

"Oh, Laura!" cried her neighbor, "I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. He was such a wonderful man. I'm sure he left you well provided for, didn't he?"

Laura dabbed at her eyes and muttered, "Yes, he was a very caring husband and he left me almost half a million dollars in his will. I miss him so much that I'd give fifty thousand just to have him back!"

What is the last thing you eat before you die?
→ You bite the dust.

What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker?
→ Hop in.

What is the difference between a musician and a dead body?
→ One composes and the other decomposes.

A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?"

"Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up!"

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
→ The bucket.

How do you electrocute a blonde?
→ Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair.