Ouch — most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the cannibals who captured a scrawny old hunter?
→ It sure gave them something to chew over.

• We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!!
• We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven".
• You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.
• I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
• Is your name Amazon? You're so wide at the mouth.
• You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it!
• A dope you are and dope will remain. Completely unlike cocaine. You add to, not diminish, pain!
• We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?
• Your family tree is good, but you are the sap.
• We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
• It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up.
• Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.

Things that can and do bother the "normal" person.

• Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.
• The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a "blank stare" when you look at them.
• There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
• You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
• It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog!
• There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
• You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
• Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
• You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
• You slice your tongue licking an envelope...
  OUCH!
• Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
• You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
• A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling...
  DOUBLE OUCH!
• People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
• You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it!
• You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
• You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
→ Two mother-in-law's!

- I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?

- Do begin with the bad news, please.

- Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.

- Good grief! What's the good news?

- The good news is that there is no more bad news.

- Vampire 1: I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died.

- Vampire 2: How awful!

- Vampire 1: Yes. Fortunately, I found some in the neck of time.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, somebody already told her twice!!!!

What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals?
→ He went down really well!

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