Ouch — most viewed jokes

There's this guy and he lives in the second largest state in America, which is California, and he want's to live in the largest state of America which is Alaska.

So he goes there for a few weeks and decides he wants to become a fully-fledged Alskan, so he goes in this pub to ask a bar man what he has to do to become a fully fledged Alaskan.

The barnabs say's "First you drink this liter of whisky, then you've got to kill a bear, and find a woman and rape her."

The guy gets confused, so he asked the barman to repeat it.

He comes back a week later beaten to shit.

"What happened to you?" said the barman.

"I'm nearly a fully fledged alaskan, all I gotta do now is kill a woman"!

A funeral procession was winding it's way to the cemetery on top of the hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump.

The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill) It slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main St.

Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter.

The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said.. "You got anything to stop this coffin?"

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
→ Three, if you slice them very thinly.

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?
→ They were riverdancing.

Did you hear about the man who jumped in the Hudson River?
→ He committed sewercide.

What's better than winning the gold medal at the special olympics?
→ Not being retarded!

What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
→ Carry loaded weapons.

A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.

He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."

Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge, wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman.

"Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time!"