Ouch — most viewed jokes

Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?
→ He gives them runs!

What's the best way to kill a man?
→ Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What happens if you upset a cannibal?
→ You get into hot water.

What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
→ They had a feast of fun.

• I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
• I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.
• Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
• I believe in respect for the dead in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
• Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
• You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.
• You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.
• We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.
• I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.
• There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
• All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.
• I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.

• Yours was an unnatural birth you came from a human being.
• You have nothing to fear from my base instincts its my finer ones that tell me to kill you.
• It's your life -- but I wish you'd let us have it.
• Hey, act your age -- senile!
• I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
• You're the best at all you do -- and all you do is make people hate you.
• In the dictionary under the word, "stupid," it says, "see him."
• We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.
• We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long sayings.
• Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
• The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
• When you get run over by a car, it shouldn't be listed under accidents.

• For two cents, I'd give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours.
• You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!
• You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!
• I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed so he had you thrown out of his office.
• I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!
• You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
• Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
• You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since.
• You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.
• I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
• I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.
• I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head?
→ Dead.

Some actual product warning labels:

• On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)
• On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
• In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense...except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)
• In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
• On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I'd like to see! )
• On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
• On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops... Too late! You lose!)
• On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
• On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
• On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what...use in outer space?)
• On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm sure glad they cleared that up.)
• On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
• On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Did you hear about the two men who were cremated at the same time?
→ It was a dead heat.