Ouch — most viewed jokes

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. Mick says, "Well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the Auschwitz concentration camp."
Patrick says, "That's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick replies, "No, he fell out of the machine gun tower."

• Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.
• People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.
• Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!
• We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
• When you get to the men's room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
• The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.
• You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.
• All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
• I heard you have hair on your chest, and that's not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.
• No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
• There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.
• Sit down and give your mind a rest.

Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. "Where's George?" one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone.

"He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."

How can you help a starving cannibal?
→ Give them a hand!

A Toledo man was admitted to the city hospital last night with severe burns after dunking for French fries at a Halloween party.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
→ Through his chest with a sharp knife.

A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death.

It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.

He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!"

Which part of a vegetable can you not eat?
→ The Wheelchair!

How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
→ None. He fell.

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard"
Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it!
Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."