Ouch — most viewed jokes

How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
→ None. He fell.

- Why is your face all scratched?

- My girlfriend said it with flowers.

- How romantic.

- Not really, she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses!

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
→ You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do cannibals say when they say grace?
→ ''We thank you, Lord, for our daily dead!''

What did the cannibal say when he was full?
→ I couldn't eat another mortal.

What happened when the man asked the salesman for a good belt?
→ "O.K., you asked for it," the salesman said as he gave him a good belt.

A man is in court. The Judges says, "on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!!"

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"

He replied "He is my next door neighbor".

The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".

The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!!!"

• Her learning curve is fractal.
• Her lint trap is full.
• Her lists are unlinked.
• Her memory is truly random-access.
• Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
• Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
• Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.
• Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.
• Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.
• Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.
• Her objects are not fully oriented.
• Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.
• Her random access is the same as her sequential access.
• Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.
• Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.
• Her stack has been corrupted.
• Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
• Her system file has zero bytes.
• Her tires are a little low.
• Her wipers don't touch the glass.
• Her word length is zero bits.
• Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
• High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog.
• His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings.
• His access light's on, but the drive isn't spinning / is still spinning up.
• His accumulator overflows at zero.
• His actual mileage varies.
• His antenna/radio doesn't pick up all the channels/stations.
• His boot block is in a bad sector.
• His brackets are mismatched.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he!"

And the waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!"

• If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
• If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.
• Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.
• Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.
• I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!
• I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
• They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
• You should toss out more of your funny remarks that's all they're good for.
• People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
• You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.
• I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!
• If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder it would be genocide!