Ouch — most viewed jokes

This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.

I'll never forget that game of cards...

What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?
→ Meals on wheels.

What did a blind boy's parents do to punish him?
→ Rearranged the furniture

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

"Eight..."

"Seven..."

Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
→ He thought he would give him a paunch!

• You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.
• You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough.
• If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
• I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.
• You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.
• You're a habit I'd like to kick with both feet!!
• I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
• I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.
• You've never been outspoken no one has ever been able to.
• At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.
• If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
• Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- in your skull?

What's the difference between a homeless and a pizza?
→ A pizza can feed a family of four.

What happened when the cannibal got a religion?
→ He only ate Catholics on Fridays!

A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I'd lose my siren!"