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  • If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!
  • You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.
  • A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
  • You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.
  • They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?
  • You're very smart. You have brains you never used.
  • You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
  • Eventually, you will get what you asked for.
  • Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?
  • You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!
  • You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!
  • You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!
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A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

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A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."

The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"

The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

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GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK

  1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.
  2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...
    I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable.
  3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire....
    I found your cat...
    Sorry!
  4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
  5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
  6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
  7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...
    Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.
  8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.
  9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry
  10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.
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Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water. There now.....feeling better???

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Top things you should not say at a funeral:

  • Geez, what died in here?
  • He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
  • Nice service...where's the keg?
  • When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
  • Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.
  • Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
  • You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
  • Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
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