Ouch — most viewed jokes

I had a dream you were a tire last night. I woke up and you were bald.

Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?
→ Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
→ One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with... The other is used to carry groceries.

I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!

What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?
→ It repeated on him.

A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. "Prostrate trouble," said the first doctor.

"Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said the other.

They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man. "Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors," said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?"

"Well", said the man, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas."

• We know that you would give your life for us. Promise!
• When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity.
• Well, I'll see you in my dreams -- if I eat too much.
• Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
• Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
• Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.
• I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.
• You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.
• If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!
• I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
• Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly, too.
• I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by appearances, but you are REALLY ugly.

What happened when a cannibal went on a self-catering holiday?
→ He ate himself.

What do you call a man with a double decker bus on his head?
→ The deceased!

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!"

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass!"