Ouch — most viewed jokes

Have you ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?
→ Just look at your drivers license!

"Well, children," said the cannibal cooking teacher. "What did you make of the new English teacher?"

"Burgers, ma'am."

Why did the cannibal live on his own?
→ He was fed up with other people.

There were those three guys, a priest, a doctor and an engineer, and they were playing golf. But the group before them was extremely slow and at each hole they waited hours.

Finally the priest asked around, why was that other group was so slow? He was told that they were very courageous firemen who saved the golf course a couple of years ago from a terrible fire, in which they all lost their sight. As a proof of appreciation they were given the right to play on the course whenever they wanted. They like that a lot, but being blind they are just not too good at hitting the ball, let alone finding it after it's hit.

The priest said, "Oh my this is terrible. Tonight I'll say a little prayer for these courageous souls."

The doctor heard that and said "Don't worry. I'll send them to a friend of mine, he's an ophtalmologist and he works wonders."

The engineer said "Wait. Why can't they just play at night?"

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

Is that your face or are you wearing your hair back to front today?

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your refridgerator?
→ CHUCK.

- Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in?

- Customer: No.

- Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have cut your throat.

What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?
→ The cold shoulder.

The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace.

"For whosoever we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly thankful."