Ouch — most viewed jokes

• Gets his orders from another planet.
• Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.
• Gets parity errors under load.
• Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.
• Goalie for the dart team.
• God might still use him for miracle practice.
• God's favorite target for lightning strikes.
• Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter.
• Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.
• Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
• Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
• Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
• Gyros are loose.
• Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.
• Had a head crash.
• Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
• Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
• Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
• Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
• Has a bus fault problem.
• Has a few wait states.
• Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
• Has a leak in his ceiling.
• Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
• Has a pulse, but that's about all.
• Has a random memory fault.
• Has a slow clock.
• Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".)
• Has a two-bit operating system.

Two cannibals were having their dinner.

- I don't like your friend.

- Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables.

What would king Henry VIII be doing if he was alive right now?
→ Scratching at the lid of his coffin of course!!!

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, "Where do you live?"

Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, "Hello, I've brought your husband home."

The wife looks at the man and asks, "Where's his wheel chair?"

• Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
• Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
• Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
• Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
• Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
• Doesn't just know nothing doesn't even suspect much.
• Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
• Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
• Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
• Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
• Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
• Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
• Downhill skiing in Iowa.
• Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
• Driving at night with the lights off.
• Driving with two wheels in the sand.
• Dropped his second stage too soon.
• Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
• Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
• During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
• Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
• Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
• Echoes between the ears.
• Eight pawns short of a gambit.
• Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
• Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
• Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.
• End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
• Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
• Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.

A cannibal chief was just about to stew his latest victim for dinner when the man protested, "You can't eat me? I'm the manager!"

"Well," said the cannibal, "soon you'll be a manager in chief."

• "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
• "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
• "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
• "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
• "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
• "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
• "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
• "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
• "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
• "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
• "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
• "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
• "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
• "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
• "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
• "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
• "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
• "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
• "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
• "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
• "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)

A motorist ran into a shop.

"Do you own a black and white cat?" he asked. "No," replied the manager.

"Oh dear," said the motorist, "I must have run over a nun."

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...

• Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
• No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
• Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
• Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
• Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
• Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
• Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
• Embalming fluid bottle looks an awful lot like Colt 45 bottle.
• Toe tag paper cuts.
• The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
• Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
• Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs us money.
• At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
• Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

...and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...

Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.