Ouch — most viewed jokes

MORE REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES:

1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs. Clause is your real Mom
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipies to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad's New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator

What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had?
→ The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had!

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk.

Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep".
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"
"Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, you already told her to shut up twice.

• Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
• Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
• Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
• Has change for a seven dollar bill.
• Has FINO (first in never out) memory.
• Has his brain on cruise control again.
• Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
• Has it floored in neutral.
• Has no discretionary intellect.
• Has no upper stage.
• Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
• Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
• Has resonance where others have brains.
• Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
• Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis
• Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
• Has the brains of a house plant.
• Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
• Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.
• Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
• Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
• Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
• Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.
• Has two brains one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
• Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values.
• Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
• Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
• Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
• He can only type in upper case.
• He can push but he can't pop.

What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
→ When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

• What's the latest dope -- besides you?
• I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture.
• You don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself.
• When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you can get salt in the wound.
• Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.
• If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.
• You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion now she believes in infanticide.
• I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.
• You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.
• You have a face only a mother could love -- and she hates it!
• You never strike out blindly you fail in the light.
• They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

- First cannibal: I can't find anything to eat!

- Second cannibal: But the jungle's full of people.

- First cannibal: Yes, but they're all very unsavory.

Two newfies walked into a pet store. The first says "I want four budgies."

- Salesman: Certainly sir, would you like two male and two female or all male or all female?

- Newfie: I don't care. I just want 4 budgies!

- Salesman: Certainly sir, what color would you like? We have yellow, blue, gr...

- Newfie: I don't care what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard?

- Salesman: O.K. O.K.

The two newfies pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this high cliff in Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom.
The second newfie looks down at his friend's twisted remains and says "What a shame. this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be!"

How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf?
→ He became a vegetarian.