Ouch — most viewed jokes

Why do farts smell?
→ So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'" She said, "'No, I'm not a widow.'"

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.

"He's just decomposing!"

In the United States alone, there are over 10,000 cases of battered women.

And to think... all this time, I have been eating mine plain!

• Slow out of the gate.
• Smarter than the average bear.
• Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
• So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
• So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
• So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
• So dumb, he faxes face up.
• So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
• So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
• So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
• So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
• So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
• So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
• So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
• So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
• Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
• Some Assembly Required.
• Some bugs in his software.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
• Some of her inodes have nodded off.
• Some pages missing.
• Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
• Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
• Someday when she's younger...
• Someone blew out his pilot light.
• Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
• Someone let the air out of her lock.
• Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
• Source code is missing a few lines.
• Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.

Did you hear Princess Diana was on the radio?
→ Yep, and on the window, and on the dashboard...

Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
→ When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.

Why don't they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
→ So they will have something to do in the afternoon.

A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.

The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now she's history.

• I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.
• I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
• Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can't take the credit.
• This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.
• Look, don't go to a mind reader go to a palmist I know you've got a palm.
• Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!
• I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
• We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
• Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?
• I'd like to break the monotony where's your weakest point?
• The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
• I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank!
• You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter.
• You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.
• Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.

What has four legs and an arm?
→ A happy pit bull.

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man.

The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.

"Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong."

"Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly."