Ouch — most viewed jokes

Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up in the morning.

The next morning she came into Herbie's room to make sure he'd prayed hard the night before. 'Well then, open your eyes and you'll know that your prayers have been answered.'

Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, 'Mother! Mother! I still can't see!'

'I know, dear,' said his mother. 'April Fool!'

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."

Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
→ Kids won't eat broccoli.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
→ I don't know and I don't care.

What's the difference between the capital of Russia and a calf's mother?
→ One is Moscow, the other is cow's ma.

Where did the vegetables go to get drunk?
→ The Salad Bar.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
→ Ugly sheep.

Where does a one-armed man shop?
→ At a second hand store.

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
→ Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!

Which of these things don't belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a Chinese guy run over by a truck?
→ The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.

Who delivers puppies when the Vet isn't available?
→ The mid woof.

Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?
→ Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.

Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn't?
→ Because he was a little more on.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To prove to the opossum it could be done.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.

A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.

"But you've got no arms... you can't do this job!" says the church leader.

The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!" So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.

He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.

He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him.

"Who is that guy?" one person says.

"I don't know," says another, "but his face sure rings a bell..."

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a ditch?
→ Phil.

Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?"

"About two and a half feet."

"Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"

With the hunchback still dead, and his no-armed replacement still dead, the church leader still needs a bell ringer. He posts a sign outside the church and another no-armed man shows up to take the job.

The frustrated church leader says, "The last no-armed guy died trying to ring this bell, what makes you think you can do it?" The no-armed man says, "I've been without my arms since birth and therefore have much more experience. Besides, I desperately need the job to feed my family."

The church leader, feeling sorry for the man, says, "OK give it a try."

And, as expected, the no-armed man tries to pull the rope with his teeth, stumbles and falls to his death.

The church leader rushes down to the sidewalk just as a policeman arrives. The policeman says, "OK, this is two deaths in two days. Does anybody know who this guy is?"

The church leader says, "I'm sorry, I didn't ask, but he's a dead ringer for the guy who was in here yesterday!"

• I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me.
• Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
• Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more!
• Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
• So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word] a long time ago.
• You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.
• The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
• I hear you were born on April 2 a day too late!
• I hope you never get a tetanus shot maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.
• I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!
• If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
• Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

• Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
• Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
• Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
• Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
• Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.
• Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
• CPU is always in powersave mode.
• CPU not connected to the bus.
• Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
• Cranio-rectally inverted.
• Cunning as a dodo bird.
• Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
• Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
• Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
• Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
• Defective hard drive / boot sector.
• Dense as a London fog.
• Diarrhea of the mouth constipation of the ideas.
• Differently clued. -- Dave Clark
• Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
• Does aerobics... in his head.
• Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.
• Doesn't adjust for leap years.
• Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
• Doesn't have a round in every chamber.
• Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
• Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag.
• Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
• Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.
• Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.

SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995
CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

Man Killed Repairing Truck - April 1, 1995
Kalamazoo Gazette -- James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type dump truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns's clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."