Ouch — most viewed jokes

Where do blind sparrows go for treatment?
→ The Birds Eye counter!

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
→ The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.

Stupid people

LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him

Two Virginia boys, Sonny and Rick, went out hunting and split up. Sonny heard some rustling in the bushes and, by mistake, shot his friend.

After trying to remove the bullet, he carried Rick to a doctor.

Two hours later, after the physician had patched up the wounded hunter, Sonny asked, "Please, Doc. How's my friend?"

"Well," answered the M.D., "he'd be a lot better off if you hadn't taken out his gut!"

What has got four legs and an arm?
→ A Rottweiler in a playground.

A cannibal son and his father are out looking for food. They are watching people walk down the street. The son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father rejected saying that she's too fatty. Later on the son asked about a very skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she's too skinny.

After a while the son pointed out a very attractive woman.

"Sure son," the father replied, drooling. "We'll take her home and eat your mother!"

Why did you drop the baby?
→ Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.

(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

• His brain could be the perfect dielectric.
• His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
• His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.
• His buffer is full.
• His clutch is slipping.
• His data bus stops for red lights.
• His deck has no face cards.
• His elevator is stuck between floors.
• His face is on a coin... On the edge.
• His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
• His freelist is empty.
• His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct.
• His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams
• His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter.
• His head whistles in a cross wind.
• His home planet is flat.
• His IQ is a false positive.
• His jack can't get the car off the ground.
• His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
• His mind is great at error magnification.
• His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.
• His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
• His mind is write-protected/write-only.
• His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
• His mind wandered and never came back.
• His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
• His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
• His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."
• His page was intentionally left blank.
• His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black n Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.